I found Leonie’s guide through the Creative Everyday site, and because I am attracted to anything colorful and workbooky and instantly available, I had to grab it.

I’ve spent the last couple of days working through it, and it has really helped me to appreciate everything I accomplished in 2009.

This year the holidays had me feeling so down and so blue, and I was so over-focused on everything that I was going to change in 2010, that I FORGOT just how AMAZING I WAS in 2009.

The most important thing, of course was that I finally got out of debt.  It was something that I’d wished for since 1999, and finally started working toward in 2007.  Two and a half years it took me.  But I did it.  And now I’M FREEEEEEEEE!!

I started painting my own paintings in 2009.  I bought an awesomely fancy bicycle with cash in 2009.  I finished my little body book, finished my web site, got to go to Art Unraveled AND Art and Soul.  And I discovered that I’m really more of a single media kind of girl.

2009 WAS AWESOME!  May I be just as AWESOME in 2010! YAY!!!

My dreams for 2010 look like this:

1. A circle of like minded arty girls to play with
2. MORE PAINTING
3. Going on the Wild Heart Painting retreat in New Mexico, and spending a week doing yoga in Mexico next Christmas.
4. Finding a fabulous little house to rent where I can ride my bike to work everyday, have a happy little art room, and NO LOUD DRUNKEN neighbors.

Lessons learned

This is what happens when I get a little too gung ho about perfecting myself.  I think it happens every new year.

I spent two weeks literally trying to inhale all of these books and come up with the perfect way to become a perfect version of myself.  And I spent that whole time NOT PAINTING.

Then I started surfing the web for more ideas and came across all these new and exciting projects springing up on many of the arty sites I like to visit.  Oooooh, I should be doing all these things!  Think of how much more arty and perfect I would be!!

I should go to yoga every day!  I should meditate every day.  I should eat only low GI perfect foods.  I should do all the exercises in my painting books.  I should write in my journal.  I should do all those fun arty projects I see starting up for the new year.

All those shoulds start piling up and piling up until I find that I CAN’T EVEN MOVE.  It’s just too overwhelming.

Finally, I WISED UP and calmed down.

So, for now, this is my fancy New Year plan:

1. Paint.  Paint, paint and keep painting.
2. Try to pop in a yoga DVD when you’re done painting.
3. Buy wheat bread.  Keep the cheese to a minimum.  Try to eat some veggies.

That’s it.  Nothing too fancy.  My heart doesn’t like too many rules.  I need to keep it simple.  I need to remember that I don’t have to be doing everything.  I don’t have to have it all right now.  Now back to work!  There’s painting to be done!

We're waiting.....

They just want us to be safe.  They just want us to be secure, to make sure our lives are not too difficult.  They want to keep us “realistic”, to keep us “grounded” so we don’t become impractical dreamers, so we don’t walk around with our head in the clouds.  So we don’t end up jobless and homeless and living on our parents’ couch.

The fear of ending up jobless and homeless and living on my parents’ couch keeps me in a box, keeps me in cubicle land, keeps me afraid of everything.  EVERYTHING.

I don’t want to be afraid.  I don’t want to exist in this teeny tiny little confining box of my own mental creation.

I want to break out!  BE FREE!  I want to try new things, to be afraid of something and do it anyway.  I want to set aside all my stupid excuses and hesitations and the fear of disappointing everyone, and just GO FOR IT, whatever IT may be on any particular day.

BE THE SWOOSH!!!

Sometimes it still amazes me that I’m actually doing this.  I spent so much of my life searching for that thing, that thing that I was supposed to be doing with my life.  It brings tears to my eyes to know that I’ve found it.  That this is what I’m doing.

I found a journal entry from a couple of years ago, telling myself to “beware of waking the creative dragon”.  It was when I was just starting to try to draw in my journal and use color again.  I knew in my heart that this was the path, but that it would cause me to want to turn my world upside down.  And I’ve gotten quite used to my nice cushy life, and my nice cushy job.  The rumblings have started, but at this point, I still have no idea what to do with them.  So I paint.  And keep painting.

It’s been a heady week.  I finished the book, finished the website, finished the rose, all at the same time.  I feel like I’m kind of exposing myself in a way that I haven’t before.  It’s scary and deeply awesome.

Tonight I’m drawing up for canvas a few of the ideas that have been sitting in my brain pool for quite some time.  Still just as “fanciful”, still probably going to use a lot of pthalo blue.

For now the “shoulds” are still completely banned from any of this.  And I am so so happy.

the other side

I’ve just returned from my last art class of the year, and as luck would have it, I also finished the painting I’ve been working on this session.

All week I’ve been trying to decide whether or not I’m going to sign up for the next session. In fact, I’ve actually skipped the last two weeks of class. Sometimes I just get tired of working with photos, especially when I’ve got stacks of painting ideas at home that I’d rather be working on. So, I skip class to work on my own paintings at home. I do this fairly regularly.

I know this doesn’t really make much sense. Here I am, wanting more direction in my painting, and I’m thinking about ditching my one and only painting class. It’s just that I want to be working on my own paintings, getting better at drawing, composition and colors with things that come from my own brain.

Of course, I think the real problem here is that I’m just too chicken to go into that class with my own stuff and try to get an opinion from my teacher. The one time I did bring in a painting, she said it was “fanciful” and pretty much left it at that. Did I straight out ask her what she thought? No. Did I ask for her direction? No. Basically, I chickened out. Besides, that painting actually was indeed “fanciful”.

So, I think it’s fairly obvious what needs to happen here. I need to sign up for the next session, and then just muster the stones to prance in there with a drawing and a plan and just GO FOR IT. Who knows, it could work out fine. And if it doesn’t, I don’t have to do it anymore. It’s that simple.

I am so excited and thrilled about this. I finally finished putting my little book together!!

I started doing the drawings last summer, and being the “Ugh, computers” girl that I am, it took me a long time to get around to scanning in all the pictures and setting up the book. I used blurb.com to do the layout and get the printing.

I think what makes me so happy about this is that I’m totally one of those people who says “I cannot draw”, and honestly, when it comes down to it, I truly cannot draw. Not in any official capacity, anyway. By doing this, though, I realized that I can do what I need to do to get the point across. It doesn’t have to be some perfect realistic representation, in fact, I like it more because it isn’t. Because I draw the way I draw, my pictures will always look like *I* drew them. It’s my own little style.

And I love having my own little style.

Beyond that, I just like the story. I like that the body looks like a smiley face. I like the message.

I have so many girl friends who have body issues, eating disorders, all of that. I just want so much for all of us to reject the images that the world feeds us. To trust our own bodies and love our own bodies exactly as they are.

You can preview the whole book here.

I spent this afternoon sitting at the window in my art room just giggling with total glee as the rain poured down, poured and poured and kept pouring. I was safe and sound wrapped in my comfy pjs and drinking hot tea.

Full on rainy days are a complete rarity here in Arizona, so I felt the need to take advantage of it. When I woke up at 8am and saw that it was still dark outside, I knew it was time to call in “rainy”. Truly, the best Monday ever.

I spent the day working through an oil painting book I got over the weekend. The Oil Painting Course You’ve Always Wanted: Guided Lessons for Beginners and Experienced Artists by Kathleen Lochen Staiger.

I’m kind of struggling with figuring out the next step as far as my painting goes. Obviously, the short answer is to paint, paint, and keep on painting. Still, I would like to get some more actual learning under my belt. Working through the first few exercises has already helped me think about how to expand my color palette. Other exercises include how to set up and paint a still life. I’m not sure that’s really my thing, but I’ve committed to working through it. I can always learn something!

Now the wind is kicking up and sending the flames of my little Duralog into a frenzy.

Sunday nights always carry a bit of upset. My weekends are so filled with projects and color and freedom, it’s hard sometimes to face down that week, face it with a decent attitude. Last night, though, was particularly bad. There was too much I still wanted to work up, too much I wanted to start.

Sometimes I just know when it’s a good time to honor the little “I don’t wanna” kid in me. Give her a chance to rebel a little, so that the more reasonable part of me can head back to the daily grind refreshed and ready to go.

I want a life the includes frequent use of the words “I wish” and “I dream”.  I want a life where I’m making those wishes and dreams come true.  I want a life filled with colors and paint and creation.  I want to find a circle of big living, dreamy thinking, true heart, creative friends.  I want to be on this path of making art and being brave and trying and failing and exploding out of the box!

I am so deeply inspired by Jamie Ridler and all the things she does to foster dreaming and creativity in people.  I am inspired by the amazing creative ladies who participate and are creative in so many millions of different ways.

I am excited because I feel, deep in my heart, that I’ve finally found what it is that I am supposed to be doing.

Bring it on!