This is a journal page from 1998, YES, 1998!  HAHA!  I meant it when I said I was going back to old Angie style, and here it is.

So, it took me 2 1/2 years to get out of debt.  I’d been WANTING to get out of debt for 10 years.  You can probably tell by the dollar signs above that I was pretty upset about money in those days.   I agonized about my debt. I bought books on what to do with my life but then felt like they couldn’t apply to me until I was out of debt.   I actually felt like I couldn’t even HAVE a dream until I was out of debt.

That’s pretty depressing.  But as much as I wanted it, I couldn’t see a way out.  I was looking for an immediate fix, a magical way out, for someone to come and make it right  for me.  Anytime I sat down to work out the numbers, it always came down to 2 years.  It would take me 2 years to do it.  The spector of those 2 years felt like FOREVER, like it could never ever happen.   Of course, I eventually realized that I wasn’t going to feel free and happy until I did something about it.

So I made a plan and then I held still.  Instead of switching jobs every 11 months thinking THAT would make me happy, I held still.  Instead of moving apartments every year because THAT would make me happy, I held still.  I held still and sent in my money every month, every month for 30 months.  No more, no less. I set up the plan so that I could still have my community center art class, but I learned to use the library.

And here’s what happened:  I FOUND MY DREAM.  Not only did all that holding still get me out of debt, but it also helped me figure out what I love.  I was so distracted by all the worry and all the moving and job switching and such, I never looked INSIDE myself to see what I really wanted.

NOW, here’s the other really powerful lesson I’m learning from that:  there is NO IMMEDIATE FIX.  I’m sitting here wanting to be an awesome artist, RIGHT NOW, right this minute!!!!  Well guess what, Ange, it doesn’t work that way!  It takes TIME.  So for me, deciding to go to art school is like deciding to get out of debt.  It won’t be immediate, I won’t even be picking up a paintbrush until at least the second semester.   I will just trust the process and in the end I will be in a whole new place with my art, a place that I don’t feel like I would be able to get to on my own.

I’m starting to understand the benefits of taking the long view, of committing without knowing how things will end up.  Gosh, I feel so…MATURE!!!  And also, just really proud.

And for anyone reading this who needs help getting out of debt or with money in general, I use Mvelopes as my budgeting/planning tool.  It is awesome and I highly recommend it.

I should also add here that after I got out of debt, I started seeing a counselor.  I’d been telling myself for SO LONG, that I’d magically be happy when I was out of debt, I knew I’d have a freak out, and I wanted to make sure that instead of going crazy and quitting my job without a plan, I’d figure out a way to actually make my life WORK the way I want it to.  She calls it “rebelling well“.   I find it really hilarious that it wasn’t until AFTER I’d accepted that I would have to keep working full time even without the debt that I decided to start working part time and go to school.  LIFE IS AMAZING that way!!!!