Today I listened to “The Creative Fire” by Clarissa Pinkola Estes.  Ever since the “Your Creative Spark” podcasts, I’ve been ravenous for transporting words to listen to while I paint.  I am going to soak up everything by Dr. Estes, her voice is a WONDER, and then I’ll move on to Joseph Campbell.  This is just what I want right now.

Because of all this creative fire, creative spark talk, I’ve been fantasizing for days about painting a volcano.   I seem to be in class like every evening these days, which riles me up because I’m not used to being so busy.  Tonight, I finally got a chance to paint!  And you know what, this is kind of the first completely unplanned- except for the word volcano- painting that I’ve done since I started painting last year.  And yeah, it kind of looks like something I would’ve painted while high in college (if I’d had the good sense to paint in college), or like bad goddess art, or whatever.  This is what my VOICES are saying to me right now.  But you know what?  FUCK my stupid critical voices.  It was so FUN to sit down to a blank canvas and just push the paint around, play with swirls, and spontaneously include a heart and a flaming lady.  It felt good!  I want more of this!

I’ve been sooooo attracted to the idea of intuitive painting lately.  I’m kind of sad that due to the whole school thing, I’m having to give up a few things like going to the Ghost Ranch retreat with Chris Zydel.  I mean, I totally would’ve gone to the January one had I know all this crazy, money-saving inducing stuff was going to go down!  Still, I think this is deeply calling to me, and I will find my way to it eventually.  What I feel right now with the art school, is that I need to gain some knowledge.  Need to find some wisdom.  Need to find a foundation to be coming from.  I am going to say right now that eventually I will go through the Intuitive Training, like a few years from now.  After art school.  Ha!

So yeah, tonight I attempted to get in touch with my inner self.  And that is my wish.

I wish to awaken my inner self.  My deeper knowledge.  My spirituality.  My essence.  Everything that is mysterious and hidden and not overtly known to myself.  I’ve always felt so shallow and unspiritual.  I feel like I’m starting to move toward something.  I am opening myself to find more, to feel more.